co·here·now

I can share some thoughts on dealing with anger, inspired by what I’ve learned and my personal experience. These thoughts are simply an expression of how I see things and hopefully there is something here that can inspire you in some way or help stir up an intuitive insight. I will focus on anger, but really much of what I have to say applies to any emotion.

To start, we can ask, what are emotions? And I think we can simply say an emotion is a sort of energy within ourselves that we can feel, like happiness or sadness. Emotions aren’t really physical. Can you separate an emotion and put it in a box? Yet at the same time, emotions are often accompanied by physical effects, like tension in the face or body.

One of the most common and visible emotions in today’s world is anger. A really easy opportunity to notice it is while driving. For example, you might be driving in the car and somebody acts in a way that is unexpected. Perhaps a person in front of you is driving slowly, and in response, you might feel angry or frustrated. And so this feeling wells up inside of you and that’s what we call anger.

And then all of a sudden, you might be yelling, swerving around someone, honking. Those are the actions, but before the actions is the emotion. When a strong emotion comes on, it can be very aggressive and sort of push you into acting a certain way. And I think if you look closely after you get angry, you’ll usually notice that you feel a bit depressed - you usually feel a bit tired. It’s quite draining to be angry. And so if you notice within yourself that you are being pulled around by strong emotions in certain situations like this and you’d like to grow beyond it, then you can simply ask yourself, “What can I do about it?”.

You might think that there’s nothing you can do - that your emotions are just something that’s outside of your ability to change. Sometimes people say, “That’s just the way I am. That’s how I always have been and that’s how I always will be”. But is that really true? Or is there something you can do?

Well, we can look at why you might feel anger in the first place. And many people would say, for example, in the situation with the car, “Someone did this to me”. Because the other person was acting in a certain way, because they were going slow, because they were speaking in a certain way, because they did something - that caused my anger. Something outside of me caused the anger inside of me. But again, is that really true?

You might consider your own past - maybe when you were a child you got angry about certain things and now you no longer get angry about those things. You can see that you’ve been able to change how you react to things as you’ve grown older. So is it really true that something outside of you can cause your anger? Or is the anger your reaction? And do you have the ability to choose how you react? Of course, it can be difficult to accept responsibility, but it’s also empowering because if you are responsible for how you react, then you can change how you react.

And so you might ask yourself, “Does it feel like there’s some truth to that?”, and if it does, you might ask yourself, “How can I do that? How can I change how I react in certain situations?”. It can often seem so automatic. You might be driving and then all of a sudden you’re angry and yelling at someone. It can happen so quickly. And that can make it difficult to recognize whether or not you have a choice in it.

So the first step that I’d recommend is becoming aware when you’re angry. It’s very difficult to change something within yourself if you’re not aware of it. There’s no magical thing you can do to remove the anger. You can try to run from the things that make you angry your whole life, but I don’t think that works. At some point something will come along and trigger your anger. So instead of running, we can embrace anger as an opportunity. That’s not to say you should purposefully put yourself into situations that are overwhelming. That’s not helpful either. But in your day to day life, when you get angry, it’s an opportunity to grow beyond that anger, to become more conscious of your ability to make choices. And the first step is to notice it.

Many times when we notice our anger, we have another strong emotion of guilt or even anger towards ourselves for getting angry, and that can prevent us from actually looking at and resolving the anger. So that’s not helpful. The way I see it, it’s not about blaming anyone. It’s not about blaming yourself. Everyone on Earth deals with anger.

And so when you’re going along and you notice the anger, you can just spend a little bit of time looking at it. What triggered it? When did it start? How long did it last? And when did you calm down? And each time it comes up, you can spend time looking at it. Anger comes up, notice it. Anger comes up, notice it. Anger comes up, notice it. And I think you’ll find that as you practice this you’ll be able to notice the anger more and more. And sometimes that can be a little bit discouraging because you think, “Oh, I’m actually getting more angry”. But is that true, or are you just becoming more aware of it? It can be quite surprising how unaware we are of what is going on within ourselves.

In the beginning, you might not notice until after you’re angry, “Oh, I got really angry there”. At that point, you’ve likely calmed down enough to look at what happened with more clarity. And that’s a good opportunity to look within and ask yourself, “Why did I get so angry?”. And your first thought might be something like, “Well, they did this and that”. But the follow up question is “Why are you angry with that?”. What is the real root of the anger? Did you react with anger because of fear? For example in the car, were you afraid of not getting to work on time and losing your job? Did the situation touch a feeling of helplessness deep within you? Perhaps it reminded you that you are not as in control as you thought you were? And maybe you think that by reacting with anger you can scare the other person enough that they will never do whatever they did again? But does that really work? Is it really helpful for yourself or anyone else to respond with anger? Is reacting with anger just a habit that you’ve picked up a long time ago? Is it the only way to react in this situation?

We could go on and on, but this is an example of how you can begin to see the anger in a deeper way. The anger doesn’t come from nowhere. There is a set of beliefs behind it and you can begin to uncover those and question them.

So as you begin to practice this, you might notice the anger earlier and earlier. You might begin to notice it while you’re angry, “Wow, I’m really angry. I don’t want to feel this way”. But you may not know what to do about it. Oftentimes we notice that we are angry but there is so much energy behind the anger that we feel helpless to do anything about it and so we just let it play itself out, often doing things that we later regret. So there are beliefs behind the anger but there is also energy or momentum behind it that has accumulated over time by either suppressing the anger or feeding it. Anger is like fire. The more you feed it by continuing to react with it and feeling that it’s justified, the more it grows.

So in order to calm down in the moment, you can use a variety of practices, like mantra, visualization, decrees, mindful breathing, meditation, yoga or walking in nature. You have to make a conscious decision in the moment that you don’t want to continue reacting with anger and then you can take a moment, use a technique if you’d like, and allow yourself to calm down. And I’ve found this becomes easier to do as you practice becoming more aware of the anger. You might be in an argument with someone and once you notice it, you can say “I don’t want to continue arguing in this way, I’d like to take a break”, and when you’re calm, perhaps there is an opportunity to talk in a more constructive way.

At this point, I think a common trap is becoming dependent on a technique. This is something that I struggled with for a long time. I thought if I just meditated enough, then that would somehow magically transform my reactions. If I just do enough yoga, then I’ll always be in a state of bliss no matter the situation. But I don’t think that works and I actually think that’s just another form of denial - not wanting to look within. So, I think a technique is helpful, but to really make progress, you have to look at the anger and see why you are choosing to react that way. You have to take responsibility for your emotions. And there isn’t any mechanical formula for doing this. It’s an internal, personal process. And it could take a while, potentially even your entire lifetime. Which is why it’s important to be patient with yourself. We want real, sustainable growth, not instant appearances that cover over things.

So as you practice, if you notice that you are getting overwhelmed by the emotion, you can practice a technique to calm down. And then once you’re calm, you can look at the anger and come to see the beliefs behind it. It might be difficult to look at, but trust me, you can do it. Don’t force it though - that can just make things worse. Be patient. Be gentle with yourself. It’s not a race. And in time, you can start noticing the anger earlier and earlier, before it even gets to the point where you’re overwhelmed by it.

Eventually, you can get to the point where you notice the anger beginning, “Okay, this thing happened. I can feel that I’m starting to get angry”. Why am I starting to get angry? Just a moment ago, I was not angry and now I can feel the emotion rising within me. What happened in that moment?

When you get to this point, of noticing the anger beginning, it’s really interesting because you can start to see that there is a choice. At first, it might feel like the anger is pulling on you and you are caught in a river, but as you work with it, use a technique to pull yourself out of it, and question the beliefs behind, it starts to lessen its grip on you - you begin to recognize that you don’t have to allow it to pull you in. You can begin to look at the anger as it’s arising and make a conscious decision that you don’t want to react in that way. And you can notice that it really doesn’t have any power over you. You can choose to react with anger or not. And when you can see that, you can let it go and make another choice.

You can recognize your power in the situation. You can’t always change your outer situation, but you can always change how you react to it. And so when you notice the anger coming up again, you can look at it and say, “I’m not interested in going down that path anymore. It doesn’t have the same hold on me as it used to. I’m going to let it go”. And you let it go. Somebody may swerve in front of you on the road and you start to feel the anger a little bit and you just notice it and let it go. And realizing your power to make conscious decisions like this can provide you with so much freedom. You can be free and balanced no matter what is happening around you. Nobody can stir you up or control your emotions. You can have more energy throughout the day because you’re not wasting it being so angry and agitated all the time.

And sometimes we get angry. It’s okay. The point isn’t to be completely free of any emotional reaction, but to recognize the power you have in choosing how you use your emotions and mind, just like you choose how to use your physical body.